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Running From Grief

One thing I've learned about grief is that it's not linear. It doesn't necessarily get better over time. Some days, you feel great. You think you're okay and you can conquer the world. The following day you'll have a hard time getting out of bed. It hits you so suddenly and so hard, you're in literal physical pain.

I'm the kind of person who doesn't like to acknowledge pain or weakness. If I'm throwing up and half-dead, leave me the hell alone. If my finger gets chopped off I'll wrap my own hand, submerge the finger in ice, and drive myself to the hospital. Thanks.

Emotional pain is pretty much approached the same way. I shove it down and keep going. This past year was so unbelievably painful, I never really stopped to let it catch up with me. I've been running from grief. 

Problem is, it's finally catching up with me.

Watching my dad pass away and my marriage go up in a horrific ball of flames just within six weeks of each other... that's a lot. To say that gave me trust issues and a rejection complex wouldn't begin to cover it. However, I kept going. I had three small children depending on me and I couldn't stop. My mom needed me too, so giving into the crippling grief just wasn't an option. I had to be the anchor.

Another thing I've learned about grief is that it's often paired with anger. Angry with the person who left you (willingly or not), angry with yourself, angry with God...

I was angry with God.

Why did He let me go through this? Why did I have to endure so much pain? Why do I have to be alone? Why do I have to be the tough one? On and on, these questions come pouring out.

I know the plans I have for you... plans to give you a future and hope... I will hear you... you will seek Me and find Me, when you seek with all your heart. (Jeremiah 29:11-13)

Slowly but surely, the "idols" of my heart were stripped away. Stripped down until there was literally nothing left. I felt raw and exposed. Vulnerable. Bitter.

I wanted to think there was something amazing at the end of all this for me. A great career? A loving, godly man? Children who make it to adulthood unscarred?

But what if that's not what I have for you? What if your job and living situation remain humble? What if there is no man? What if I have different plans for your children? Will I be enough?

Ouch. What if the purpose of all this suffering was to simply draw me closer to God? What if there is no fairytale ending? What if, instead of running from grief, I ran straight into His arms? Would He be enough? 

Yes.

I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord. (Psalm 40:1-3 ESV)



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