A couple of weeks ago, I bought my very own brand-new bed. For the last 27 years, I've slept on hand-me-downs or had another person's interests overshadow mine. I saved up the money (that I earned myself) and finally got the bed I had wanted for years. I even got to pick out my own beautiful "girly" bedding. To top it all off, I successfully managed to put it together myself.
I know it sounds kind of silly for an adult to gush over something so simple, but this was such a big step for me. For so many years I didn't get to choose much of anything. Now simple choices like furniture buying and assembling feel so empowering.
The other night, while enjoying my cozy new bed, I realized something. For months, I had been sleeping as I had the last seven years... curled up on the far left side of the bed with an empty pillow and space next to me. I had all of this room, and yet I had been subconsciously leaving an empty space for someone who wasn't there. I'll admit that it made my heart ache a little, because the wound still hurts from time to time.
Then I decided that blank space just wouldn't do. What was I doing? I didn't need another person to fill that space. I grabbed the other pillow and sprawled out across the bed. Feeling a little rebellious, I even let my feet stick out of the covers.
It felt glorious.
It's hard to go against the desire for companionship and force yourself to do things on your own, but the more you do, the less forced it feels and the more freeing it becomes. That blank space becomes smaller. It's no longer wasted space.
I fill in my own blank spaces now.
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