Part of my healing journey has been focusing on character improvement in myself. I made a list of character flaws that I saw in myself and have set about adressing them. Some have been harder and more painful than others. Recently, I discovered my "Mount Everest" of emotional issues...
Jealousy.
Jealousy in itself is more of an emotional "red flag" that is a result of multiple problems. I recently came across a great article entitled "8 Habits of People Who Never Get Jealous." It was quite eye-opening for me. Around the same time, a situtation presented itself that blind-sided me with jealousy. I didn't see it coming and had to sort through why I felt so jealous (to the point of tears).
The only way to get rid of emotional baggage is to unpack. Cue self-evaluation. In doing so, I began to get to the root of the unpleasant emotion I was experiencing.
Trust. Years of emotional abuse and infidelity will definitely cause damage to anyone's ability to trust. One of the things I learned in my abuse recovery class was that survivor's emotions can easily get out of hand. Anything can become a "trigger" and make you feel as though you're experiencing the abuse all over again. It's vital to identify what these triggers are so you can calmly address them before your emotions get the best of you. I have to objectively view the situation and realize what is actual truth and what is my interpretation.
Self-Worth. The bane of my existence: possesing a healthy, Biblical perspective of my self-worth. I struggle with this every single day. I have to fight against the idea that I am unloveable, unwanted, and damaged goods. In Christ I am loved, beautiful, and whole. I have everything to offer and what I bring to the table is valuable. I am valuable. The Creator of the Universe saw fit to come to earth in human form and die a horrible death to redeem me. Wow. Let that sink in for a moment. My value doesn't hinge on what anyone else thinks - including myself.
Contentment. Comparison really is the thief of joy. If I am truly content with my situation (finances, relationships, etc.), then jealousy is a non-issue. When jealousy creeps in, what am I discontent with? Am I frustrated because I am not where I'd like to be financially? Am I depressed that my life isn't following a certain pre-conceived timeline? Am I sad because everyone else seems to have that "special someone" and I'm still single? These are questions I have to ask myself.
How about trying to focus on what I have been blessed with? I have a great support structure of family and amazing friends who love me. I have people in my life that I can depend on and trust. That's a huge blessing. My kids are healthy. Things have finally smoothed out with their dad and we can successfully co-parent these three amazing kids. I have the ability to go back to school and eventually better my career. I have a good job with great benefits. I have good health and the ability to work hard to provide for my family. Yes, I'm single. That gives me the ability to work on healing and taking time for myself. Solitude is not always a bad thing; it can be healing. I could go on and on. Listing these things really puts my perspective in the right place.
Seeking Approval. Oh man, I'm so bad at this. By nature, I am a bonafide people-pleaser. I want to make everyone happy, even to the point of self-destruction. Not good. I'm never going to make everyone happy, not even myself, but I do think it's important to make sure that I'm happy. It's possible to love others without destroying myself. I have to frequently step back and evaluate a relationship or situation to see what my motives are. Am I doing this for the right reasons or am doing this subconsciously to please someone else?
Control. One of the biggest issues that abuse survivors deal with is control. Having absolutely no control for so long, it's hard to find balance. I find myself wanting to control people or situations in order to protect myself from pain. Problem is that I can't. The only thing I am capable of controlling is myself. I have no control over other people or circumstances and the sooner I accept this, the happier I'll be. Most of my severe battles with depression and/or anxiety can be traced back to my inability to control things around me. Instead of resting in the sovereignty of God, I get myself worked up. Who ultimately has control? God... not me. To quote on of my favorite women from history, "Hold everything in your hands lightly, otherwise it hurts when God pries your fingers open" (Corrie Ten Boom).
The next time I experience the pangs of jealousy, I need to ask myself these questions:
1. Do I trust this person? If the answer is yes, drop it. If the answer is no, do I need this person in my life?
2. Is my self-worth based on this person/situation, or is it firmly rooted in Christ?
3. What am I discontent with? Why?
4. Whose approval am I really seeking here? Is it my own? Is it God's? Or is it someone else?
5. What or who am I trying to control in this situation? Do I own this person? No? Then shut your mouth and knock it off.
Sometimes you have to show yourself some tough love.
Jealousy.
Jealousy in itself is more of an emotional "red flag" that is a result of multiple problems. I recently came across a great article entitled "8 Habits of People Who Never Get Jealous." It was quite eye-opening for me. Around the same time, a situtation presented itself that blind-sided me with jealousy. I didn't see it coming and had to sort through why I felt so jealous (to the point of tears).
The only way to get rid of emotional baggage is to unpack. Cue self-evaluation. In doing so, I began to get to the root of the unpleasant emotion I was experiencing.
Trust. Years of emotional abuse and infidelity will definitely cause damage to anyone's ability to trust. One of the things I learned in my abuse recovery class was that survivor's emotions can easily get out of hand. Anything can become a "trigger" and make you feel as though you're experiencing the abuse all over again. It's vital to identify what these triggers are so you can calmly address them before your emotions get the best of you. I have to objectively view the situation and realize what is actual truth and what is my interpretation.
Self-Worth. The bane of my existence: possesing a healthy, Biblical perspective of my self-worth. I struggle with this every single day. I have to fight against the idea that I am unloveable, unwanted, and damaged goods. In Christ I am loved, beautiful, and whole. I have everything to offer and what I bring to the table is valuable. I am valuable. The Creator of the Universe saw fit to come to earth in human form and die a horrible death to redeem me. Wow. Let that sink in for a moment. My value doesn't hinge on what anyone else thinks - including myself.
Contentment. Comparison really is the thief of joy. If I am truly content with my situation (finances, relationships, etc.), then jealousy is a non-issue. When jealousy creeps in, what am I discontent with? Am I frustrated because I am not where I'd like to be financially? Am I depressed that my life isn't following a certain pre-conceived timeline? Am I sad because everyone else seems to have that "special someone" and I'm still single? These are questions I have to ask myself.
How about trying to focus on what I have been blessed with? I have a great support structure of family and amazing friends who love me. I have people in my life that I can depend on and trust. That's a huge blessing. My kids are healthy. Things have finally smoothed out with their dad and we can successfully co-parent these three amazing kids. I have the ability to go back to school and eventually better my career. I have a good job with great benefits. I have good health and the ability to work hard to provide for my family. Yes, I'm single. That gives me the ability to work on healing and taking time for myself. Solitude is not always a bad thing; it can be healing. I could go on and on. Listing these things really puts my perspective in the right place.
Seeking Approval. Oh man, I'm so bad at this. By nature, I am a bonafide people-pleaser. I want to make everyone happy, even to the point of self-destruction. Not good. I'm never going to make everyone happy, not even myself, but I do think it's important to make sure that I'm happy. It's possible to love others without destroying myself. I have to frequently step back and evaluate a relationship or situation to see what my motives are. Am I doing this for the right reasons or am doing this subconsciously to please someone else?
Control. One of the biggest issues that abuse survivors deal with is control. Having absolutely no control for so long, it's hard to find balance. I find myself wanting to control people or situations in order to protect myself from pain. Problem is that I can't. The only thing I am capable of controlling is myself. I have no control over other people or circumstances and the sooner I accept this, the happier I'll be. Most of my severe battles with depression and/or anxiety can be traced back to my inability to control things around me. Instead of resting in the sovereignty of God, I get myself worked up. Who ultimately has control? God... not me. To quote on of my favorite women from history, "Hold everything in your hands lightly, otherwise it hurts when God pries your fingers open" (Corrie Ten Boom).
The next time I experience the pangs of jealousy, I need to ask myself these questions:
1. Do I trust this person? If the answer is yes, drop it. If the answer is no, do I need this person in my life?
2. Is my self-worth based on this person/situation, or is it firmly rooted in Christ?
3. What am I discontent with? Why?
4. Whose approval am I really seeking here? Is it my own? Is it God's? Or is it someone else?
5. What or who am I trying to control in this situation? Do I own this person? No? Then shut your mouth and knock it off.
Sometimes you have to show yourself some tough love.
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