The other night I was scrolling through some of my old blog posts from when I was newly single. I came across one article in particular…
It’s been almost three years now since the divorce. Lots of healing. Lots of new mistakes. More healing. More insight and wisdom gained. What I learned (aside from a lot of things that needed changing in me) was a lot more detailed things to add to that list. Having a compatible personality and hobbies that are similar to mine are all good things, but that’s only the beginning. I learned what to look for in his character and even his relationship with his family. Here are some questions I learned to ask myself.
Is he angry? I cannot stress the absolute importance of this one, which is why I mention it first. A man who is angry and cannot control himself is a man you want to stay far, far away from. Some people write it off as an excuse, saying that he is just “hot tempered.” No, no, NO. A man who cannot control his own emotions is not able to lead a family, let alone a productive life. If you ever hear the phrases “Don’t make me angry,” “I don’t want to hurt you, but…” or “I can’t help it so don’t provoke me.” Get the heck out of Dodge, sweetheart. That boy has no place in your life. I use the word “boy” because he is no man. Children throw tantrums, not grown men.
How does he view himself? How does he view God? I tie these two together because I have seen that the way a man views God directly affects how he views himself. A “man after God’s own heart” will walk in teachable humility, yet confidence, because he knows who he is. He knows that he is redeemed. He knows that he is a son of God. You do not want to be with a man who thinks too highly of himself (narcissist), nor do you want a man who wallows in destructive self-hatred. Does he have an intimate relationship with God or is God an occasional entity he publicly acknowledges every Sunday at church? Look for the man who worships God in his private life even more than he does in public. Anyone can verbally confess their faith in God, but is this man’s entire life a confession of Jesus Christ as Lord?
Is he teachable? Everyone makes mistakes, but does he learn from his? Is he a repeat offender? Does he keep making the same mistakes over the course of his life or does he stop himself and make an effort to change? Does he listen to advice? How does he respond to correction? Any adult should be able to think for themselves and make sound decisions, but listening to counsel is good. He shouldn’t be an easily controlled doormat, nor should be be an idiot that disregards any advice. There should be a balance, and that balance will only come from a man who walks closely with his God and covers every decision in prayer.
Does he have vices? Everyone does, but some are more serious than others (substance abuse, pornography, etc). Is this man controlled by his own desires? What drives him? Is he addicted to food? Work? Sex? All of those things in their own proper place and time are good, but does he use these things in excess or as a crutch? What controls this man?
Is he respectful? Does this man respect your personal boundaries or does he try to stick his toe over the line? Does he push your boundaries in order to get his way? Does he value your opinion or does he write you off as “silly” or “crazy?” Does he hold you in high esteem or brush you off?
Is he trustworthy? Now this one has been tricky for me in the past. I’ll be the first to admit that I major trust issues. I have a past of being consistently lied to, manipulated, and cheated on, so as a result, my trust is not easily acquired and once lost it is never regained. You may not have the same issues that I do, but you should feel like you have every reason to trust this man. Along with mutual respect, trust is the biggest cornerstone of a healthy relationship. You must have absolutely no doubt in your mind. Does he give you reason to question his motives? Or does he go above and beyond to be honest and trustworthy with you? For me personally, I’m going to need someone who will go above and beyond.
What is his relationship like with his mother? What is his mother like? You may scoff at this one, but I can validate that this is one of the biggest cornerstones in a man’s life (which is why I am so adamant about raising my boys to be men of good character). You get to observe that man’s mother. She is the earliest source of his perception of women. How he responds to her is paramount to your relationship. Does he have a healthy relationship with his mother or is it toxic? Even if she’s Satan incarnate, does he treat her respectfully? Does he recognize any negative behavior and distance himself from that? Is she controlling? Is she kind and generous? Is she a woman of strength and character? Get to know the woman who raised this man. You can thank me later.
How does he handle his finances? This one can be a doozy. A man (or woman) whose finances are not surrendered to God is headed straight for trouble. I’m not saying he has to make tons of money, but this man needs to have the realization that he is merely a steward of what he has been given, whether it be little or much. Does he work hard? Is he responsible? Does he plan? Does he save for the future? Is he generous? What are his biggest priorities?
Does he build you up or drag you down? The right kind of man will not only encourage the best in you, but he will build you up. A man who constantly tears you down with critical remarks and negative behavior… well, he needs to be shown the door.
I’m sure I’ll have more to add to this list as the years progress and I turn into a crazy cat lady (I jest), but in all seriousness dear sisters, ask questions. Lots of them. All of them. Not just about a man, but ask these questions about yourself. Are you the kind of woman that this kind of man wants to be with?
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