Sometimes I feel that accepting or changing personality flaws is so much easier than the physical ones. I can make a list of things I need to work on, but when it comes to accepting (and even loving) my body... that's the hardest habit in the world for me to break.
My weight has always been a source of self-loathing. It didn't help hearing things like "No one else will ever want you," "I can't stand looking at you naked," and "I don't like the way your body has changed." I was consistently made to feel ugly and undesirable. Those kind of wounds go deep and create all sorts of emotional damage.
The biggest problem? Those were also things I thought about myself. I would never say those things to another person. Why on earth did I ever say things like that to myself? Why did I let anyone else say those things to me? Why did I believe those lies?
My body is far from the slim figure heralded by modern American culture. I've got flabby areas that have sunk over the years due to wildly fluctuating weight and three c-sections. A woman's body is never the same after having kids and I quickly discovered that after my first kid, my muffin top... well, it became more of a floppy pancake. There's a lot of stuffing and tucking. Stretch marks. Spider veins. Scars. No smooth, round backside or perky little boobs.
My perspective began to change once I changed my motive for weight loss. I spent years trying to lose weight to look prettier... sexier... more desirable. It was for someone else, essentially. I started over again simply with the desire to be healthy, and in the process I gained more self-confidence. I have lost about 45 pounds this year, but there's still more to go. That's okay. For the first time in my life, I feel beautiful and confident. I'm not trying to impress anyone. I can finally look at pictures of myself without feeling disgust. I'm finally learning to love myself - not in a narcissistic way, but in a way that I am beginning to realize my worth in Christ and appreciate the way God uniquely created me. Granted, I still have days of frustration, but it's getting less. I know that I'm doing my best to take care of myself and that is good enough. If anyone else has a problem with the way I look, they can just keep that to themselves. I don't care anymore.
"For You formed my innermost parts; You knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are Your works; my soul knows it very well." (Ps. 139:13-14)
My weight has always been a source of self-loathing. It didn't help hearing things like "No one else will ever want you," "I can't stand looking at you naked," and "I don't like the way your body has changed." I was consistently made to feel ugly and undesirable. Those kind of wounds go deep and create all sorts of emotional damage.
The biggest problem? Those were also things I thought about myself. I would never say those things to another person. Why on earth did I ever say things like that to myself? Why did I let anyone else say those things to me? Why did I believe those lies?
My perspective began to change once I changed my motive for weight loss. I spent years trying to lose weight to look prettier... sexier... more desirable. It was for someone else, essentially. I started over again simply with the desire to be healthy, and in the process I gained more self-confidence. I have lost about 45 pounds this year, but there's still more to go. That's okay. For the first time in my life, I feel beautiful and confident. I'm not trying to impress anyone. I can finally look at pictures of myself without feeling disgust. I'm finally learning to love myself - not in a narcissistic way, but in a way that I am beginning to realize my worth in Christ and appreciate the way God uniquely created me. Granted, I still have days of frustration, but it's getting less. I know that I'm doing my best to take care of myself and that is good enough. If anyone else has a problem with the way I look, they can just keep that to themselves. I don't care anymore.
"For You formed my innermost parts; You knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are Your works; my soul knows it very well." (Ps. 139:13-14)
Comments
Post a Comment